Blame costs many people too much time and energy.  Many blame the state of their lives on other people and circumstances.  Most are not really aware of how addicted they are to their stories of blame.  More importantly, people do not realize how much better their lives could be if they recognized and eliminated “blame habits”.

Blame can be a coat of armour that we use to stay certain in our victimhood and mightily defended against reproach.  The problem with this armour is that it is heavy and constricting.  It prevents us from truly being seen for who we are, and discourages others from truly connecting.  In this suit of armour, growth is stifled.  Blame is the enemy of authenticity.

It is an interesting exercise to shine light on the insidious ways blame sneaks into our psyche.  Take the time to read all the forms of blame that may exist in your life.  Read on for my current thoughts about how to deal with blame, and a few tips.

Exercise 1: Blame Others

“I would have success if it were not for”

• My parents
• My siblings
• My teachers
• My spouse
• My kids
• My Friends
• My Public School

“Who failed me by”

• Not loving me the way I deserve to be loved
• Not giving me the proper support
• Not building my self esteem
• Not forcing me to study
• Not giving me a good environment
• Not giving me what I deserve

Exercise 2: Blame Physical Attributes

“I would have a better life if”

• I was taller/shorter
• I was a different gender
• I had a different skin colour
• I did not have a genetic condition
• I did not have this medical condition

Exercise 3: Blame Society

“I could succeed if it was not for”

• The government
• The laws
• The leader of our country
• The climate change
• The meat eaters/vegans
• That OTHER religion
• Those immigrants (who are not like us)
• The wars throughout the world

Exercise 4: Blame “The World These Days”

I could be happy, but things are not like they used to be:

• The world these days which is not like the good old days.
• The values people have that is not when I was growing up.
• The danger that lurks around every corner now.
• The screens, the screens! Oh God, The Screens!
• The Social Media

Exercise 5: Blame Other’s Behaviours

I could be happy if only other people were not:

• So happy.   How dare they?!  I have more stuff!
• So angry.  That makes me so angry.
• So critical.  I wish they were different!
• So racist.  Makes me so angry.
• So ambitious.  Slow down, you are raising the bar!
• So selfish.  How dare they take what’s mine?
• So giving.  How dare they think they are better than me?

Clinging to the Blame

Many people cling to their blame as their self-identity.  It is both a hard impenetrable shell and a soft warm blanket that shields them from looking inward.  Many people may be “offended” by some of the reasons for blaming above, completely ready to defend any of those.  They would say:

• But, it’s true!  XYZ is to blame.
• How dare you minimize my suffering?
• These are real issues!
• You don’t respect victims.
• You don’t understand.  You have things so easy.
• Join me in my judging and blaming of others…

At this point, the high horse comes out with a ready made speech extolling the virtues of why the blame and suffering should continue.

Note.  See 8 Tactics to be Happy While Busy, that reminds us how we blame our “Busyness”.

Guilty Privilege

Another interesting side of blame occurs when people feel guilty for the privilege they were born into through uncontrollable circumstance.  Self-blame (loathing) such as the unfair advantages exist such as “white privilege”, the “genetic lottery”, and the perverse notion comes that you should feel guilty for starting ahead of others.

Then there is the blame placed on historically marginalized people who are now getting an “unfair” advantage by being promoted, not despite, but because of the history of their discriminated group.  This leads to a whole new set of resentment by both the self-professed “victims””, and the entitled “victims” both claiming victimhood and blaming the “other side”.

Yes, there are unfair advantages and disadvantages.  Every effort should be made to level the playing field.  However, wasting time on blame is not fruitful.  Effort should be placed on solution-oriented actions.

The Impact of Focusing On Blame

Focusing on blame is really saying you have no control, no influence.  It allows you to make sure there is going to be no change.  It can give those around the impression that you are hopeless, and beyond any personal growth.  

Misery loves company.  So, if all you talk about is blame, then you will attract the same type of people, the same type of conversation.  Have you gone to a dinner party, and there is a person who does nothing but complain without any solutions?  Have you heard people still complaining about something than happened over a dozen years ago?  How do you feel when you hear that?

When you hear others complaining, do you compete in their Misery Olympics?  Do you really want to win Gold?  Or do you sit back soberly and watch others compete for the title of the biggest “sufferer” (loser).  Does it feel like a great way to spend time?

Focusing on Blame can guarantee that your best days are behind you.

What To Focus On

Personal Growth and Personal Responsibility is the answer.  If you are focusing on being a better version of yourself, you naturally lose focus on the things you blame.  You can take courses, exercise, read books, listen to podcasts, read blogs 😉 and a whole bunch of other activities that help yourself grow each and every day.

When you feel blame starting to kick in, you can practice how you respond.  Start by realizing that the hand you have been dealt in life is not in your control.  Identify and understand what you do control.  What is in your control is how you feel, how you react, and how you LIVE.  

If blame is a bad habit, recognize and limit the triggers.  There are so many blame-inducing activities.  The 24/7 news cycle uses blame to get eyeballs.  The politicians use it to garner votes.  Certain people in your life employ it as their sole topic of conversation.  The biggest culprit can be your own brain.  The trick here is to recognize these influences and limit the amount of bandwidth they take in your own brain.

Focusing on personal responsibility and personal growth can guarantee that your best days are ahead of you.

Cheat Sheet

Here is a set of tips for changing your mindset for the better.

1. Be Mindful of Blame.  Recognize when your mind starts blaming.
2. Control Your Response.  Choose how you react to things you do not control.
3. Manifest your Own Destiny.  Believe that You control your own destiny.
4. Forgive Others.  Those that you have blamed for a long time.
5. Forgive Yourself.  Mistakes were made, and you are human.
6. Release Resentment.  Part of forgiveness, do not resent others.
7. Practice Gratitude.  Take time to be grateful for 3 things daily.
8. Express Gratitude.  Make it a habit to express it to others.
9. Stop Complaining.  Put an elastic around your wrist and snap it when you start.
10. Grow Yourself.  Be a better version of you than yesterday.
11. Own Your Choices.  Apologize when wrong, take humble credit when right.
12. Recognize Your Luck.  You are lucky for so many reasons; feel it.

Please feel free to comment below, send me some direct feedback, or share on the Socials.  I am grateful to have you on this journey with me!