I’ve been running a Friday Poker Night at my house for over 10 years.  Great friends and relationships have been the gift we gave ourselves.  Read on to see what I’ve learned what works and what definitely doesn’t.

The Goal

Let me be clear about the goal of my poker nights.  It is primarily about community and brotherhood.  It is a refuge from “life”.  It is a place where men are comfortable to just be themselves, with no judgement.  Men face a lot of pressure in their lives from work, family, and society’s expectations.  We often joke that everyone thinks you are an asshole, but at the poker table, you are loved for it!

The goal I try to avoid completely is that of winning money.  If people are there to win money at all costs, the brotherhood will be lost.  Poker can attract people that live for brutality and unbridled competition.  Of course money is won, but the stakes should be set low to keep a friendly competitive atmosphere.   Low stakes keep people playing their best games; without any stakes, no one would care.  We set the buy in at $20, and that keeps the competition friendly and meaningful.

The Benefits

Grow as a Person

Poker itself teaches players to be a better person.  Self-responsibility, patience, humility, humour, grit, and ego are all tested through the game.  Tactics include an understanding of statistics, reading other people, negotiation skills, bluffing, and risk assessment.  I always say that if you play enough hands of poker, and take responsibility for your play, you will overall become a better person.  It is the ultimate teacher that you can only control certain things in your life, and there are other things you do not control, and then there is luck.  Best to make the odds in your favour.  I covered this in another post: Discover 12 Life Lessons from Poker.

Become a Better Poker Player

Everyone learns to be a better poker player, for sure.  After a couple of years of playing, they can start to hold their own in more professional tables. Playing 100’s of hands is the best way to learn the game.  Playing with people is the only way to learn behaviours.  Playing with the same people week in week out means learning to outwit your opponents.  And that is where the fun is; you never stop learning.

Be Yourself

Poker night is a release valve for the players.  After a tough week full of stressors, and people that want something from you, it is nice to just be with people that just want to be with you, to enjoy your company.  I see some of the guys crack open a beer, sit down, and a big sigh emanates from their belly.  They can just relax and be themselves.

You are not alone

Poker night shows men that they are not alone in their lives.  I see common problems discussed, knowing glances, and some heartfelt moments.  In at open atmosphere where people feel safe talking about their struggles, they get things off their chest.  This is not a traditional group therapy session, but an informal gathering where sincerity is brief and profound.  I’ve seen guys sit at the table for 2 years until they finally open up (and then you can’t shut them up)!

Don’t take yourself so seriously

Of course we make fun of each other.  We make high-school style jokes.  And we laugh uncontrollably at the silliest things that without context, and for me, quite knowingly, is not really objectively funny.  But the moment is.  The group is.  It’s really about living in the moment and releasing pretence.  Laugh therapy?  Whatever, we come to the table primed to laugh.

Talking it Out

Sometimes after the game ends at midnight, most of the guys leave, and I’ve had 1, 2 or 3 stay.  And they stay sometimes until 3 or 4 in the morning.  And we just talk.  Some talk like they haven’t in years.  They open it all up, and let it all out.  They talk about huge life decisions, weighing the pros and cons in real time.  This is when it all comes together.

Being a Better Man

There are times when men need to be together.  We miss the brotherhood that came so easily as children and got slowly eroded as we became teenagers, young adults, and full adults with significant others and children.  It isn’t always clear what it means to be a man in this ever-changing society and what is expected of us.  Previous generations’ models of “being a man” is ridiculed in society, and women are taking their rightful place at the table of power.  Many of us struggle (many times unknowingly) to keep up with the changes.  The poker table allows us to informally compare notes and see what is working for each other.  It is not a place of machismo nor a wish to go back to a bygone era but a consortium of men continuously adjusting.

The Guidelines

In the future, I think I will write a full post elaborating on the list below.  There are nuances and reasons for each.  For now, enjoy this cheat sheet if you want to run a community poker table.

Poker Rules

1. Low Stakes.  Keep the buy-in low enough to include everyone, but high enough to discourage irresponsible play. $20 is our buy in.
2. Raise the Blinds.  Raise the blinds continuously so that the game will end when you want it too.  We like midnight to 1 AM.
3. No Sudden Death.  Allow unlimited rebuys.  Players kicked out early in the night are unhappy and the game can be more stressful.  They will stop rebuying naturally when the blinds are too high.
4. Texas Hold Em Only.  Switching the games or introducing wildcards discourages newcomers.  Poker is hard enough to learn.
5. No Limit.  Yes, is can be brutal, but definitely punishes the conservative players that would make the action boring.

Equipment

1. Plastic Playing Cards.  They are more expensive initially but cheaper in the long run.
2. Numbered Poker Chips.  Having them numbered is much better.  ($20 = $10,000 chips.  2x$1000, 11x$500, 12x$100, 12x$50, 12x$25)
3. 10 Person Poker Table.  Fits 8 comfortably, and we’ve had 11 no problem.
4. Chairs.  Costco has folding chairs for about $20 each.
5. Deep Cup Holders.  This is key.  People get excited and drinks can be knocked over.

Joke Guidelines

1. Loved Ones Off Limits.  No making fun of people’s families, loved ones.
2. Unchangeable Attributes.  No making fun of people’s physical attributes, or personal situations they cannot change.
3. Hateful Prejudice.  It’s not conducive to an atmosphere when hateful jokes are made about minorities or sexual orientation.  Always remember that someone at the table typically includes connections to the victim’s of these jokes.
4. Name Calling.  Delivery and context is key.  Proceed with great caution.

Like all good humour, the table many times crosses the line.  It crosses the line gingerly, and with context and most importantly with love.  If you are going to poke fun at someone’s relationship with their wife, you had better have known him for a long time, and the trust and love must exist.  When someone steps over the line, we can hear a big “whoa” as the group protects the maligned, and it is usually laughed off.  Proceed at your own risk.

Food and Drink

1. Food Budget.  The first $80 of the buy-in goes to the food.  Whoever is responsible for it gets the money, and the rest feel good about it.
2. No Junk Food.  My table typically does not have chips or junk food.  Playing every week, we cannot be eating that kind of stuff.  Personally, I like to cook every Friday night.
3. Everyone Brings Drinks.  Guests bring drinks.  Yes, there can be freeloaders at times, but a gentle reminder puts them back on track.
4. Non Alcoholic.  Make sure there is lots of water and coffee.
5. Bonus Ice Cream.  A nice ice cream on a stick at 11 PM keeps everybody alert and adds a bump to the table.

Guest List

1. Varied.  Mix it up.  All walks of life welcome.  Makes for interesting conversation and dynamics.
2. 15 Person Invite List.  This will result in 6 to 10 people any night.
3. Keep Eyes Open.  Scan for new people in your life.  There will be attrition every year.
4. Banning People.  I’ve never had to do it.  Most people’s missteps can be forgiven and the group dynamic prevails.
5. Banning Sharks.  Sharks don’t like to stick around.  $20 buy in with $80 going to food means they can work for $5 per hour in the long run.  Increase the stakes and then they may sniff around more.

Atmosphere

1. Enthusiastic Welcome.  When someone walks in, everyone yells and the greeting is warm and heart felt.
2. Preselected Playlist.  Tune in to one playlist or radio station for the night.  Self proclaimed DJ’s will distract from the game,
3. Background Music.  Music should be selected to be background music in both the style and volume.
4. Good Lighting.  Nuff Said.

Bonus Stuff

1. Bad Beat Prize.  I keep a chest full of $20 items I buy at hardware stores, costs, online.  Gadgets.  Any one night, the best “bad beat” gets to pick from that chest.  In other words, if 2 people lost with a great hand, the best of those 2 wins the prize.  You cannot win if you are in the money.  This softens the blow for people who lost a straight to a flush (for example)
2. Personalized Poker Chips.  Everyone has a poker chip with their picture on it.  Snap a picture with my phone, print it, cut it out, and put it in a coin collector’s case.  This is their membership chip.

…

It’s been a fun journey.

I wrote this because many of you have asked me about my poker nights.  As a Private Extrovert, it is not always easy.  Please feel free to comment below, send me some direct feedback, or share on the Socials.  I am grateful to have you on this journey with me!